- in Humor
A collection of vasectomy jokes and anecdotes we’ve collected over the years.
Some content may not be suitable for younger readers.
Table of Contents
A man pulls up to the medical clinic, leaving his wife and kids in the car, and races inside.
“We’re leaving on vacation, and my wife says I need to be vasectomized immediately!”
The doctor is surprised, but makes the guy happy. Snip, snip, and it’s done.
So the guy shuffles back to the car and gingerly lowers himself back into the driver’s seat. “So, are you vaccinated, then?” asks his wife.
Rejected Hallmark Card Greeting
Hope you feel zippy!
‘Cause when I had mine
I got real snippy.
After having their 11th child, an Arkansas couple decided that was enough, as they couldn’t afford a larger bed. So her husband went to his veterinarian and told him that his cousin didn’t want to have anymore children.
His doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it and put it in a beer can, then hold it can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Arkansas man said to the doctor, “I may not be the sharpest knife in the drawer, but I don’t see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear and counting to 10 is gonna help me.”
“Trust me” said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held it up to his ear and began to count:
“1… 2… 3… 4… 5…”
At which point he paused, placed the can between his legs and resumed counting on the other hand.
True story from a reader…
I was at a cocktail party with my wife and we were all chatting about the things you aren’t supposed to talk about: Money, sex, religion, politics… kids.
One of the guys near us explained that he had enough kids and was considering a vasectomy, but he was a little apprehensive. He explained that he was afraid that things might be “different” after the procedure.
Having had a vasectomy a few years earlier, I chimed in and told him not to worry. I put my arm around my wife and said, “Honestly, I haven’t noticed any difference since my procedure, but my wife says it’s a lot less salty…”.
With that, I was nearly knocked to the floor by my “loving” spouse. I guess that will teach me to say yes to that third Martini.
Julie went to the doctor’s office. She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming. As she ran down the hall, an older doctor stopped and asked her what the problem was, and she explained what was wrong. He had her sit down and relax in another room, then marched back to the new doctor and demanded, “What’s the matter with you? Mrs. Jones is a 35 year old, she has four children, her husband had a vasectomy and you told her she was pregnant?” The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard. “Cured her hiccups though, didn’t I?”
So six weeks after his vas. this guy goes into the clinic for his semen test. The nurse hands him a little jar and points to a broom closet down the hall. After half an hour, he still hasn’t come out–and a line is forming! So she puts her ear to the door to see if he is ok. All she can hear is lots of heavy breathing and grunting, so she goes back to her station and tells the other guys to wait their turn. 15 minutes later the guy finally comes out, red in the face and sweating. “I’ve tried everything,” he says. “I’ve pulled it, I’ve twisted it, I’ve even pounded it on the sink, but I *still* can’t open this damn jar!”
John was a dedicated poker professional. Over the past fifteen years, he’d gotten married and was raising three fine children on his winnings. Content with the size of the family, he and his wife, Mary decided it was time for John to have a vasectomy so that they could look forward to traveling together after the children were grown.
John entered the hospital and was put in room 201. On the day of the operation, a frumpy overweight nurse went in to prep John for the procedure and while shaving around his privates, she noticed that John had a tattoo on his penis that said “RUSH”. The frumpy nurse just happened to be a poker player herself, and was explaining to another more voluptuous nurse what a rush meant in poker lingo.
Well, the more voluptuous nurse, wanting to see the tattoo, went into room 201 on the pretense of doing additional prep work on John. Bending over John, with much cleavage showing, she piddled around long enough to see the tattoo.
Returning to the nurse’s lounge, the voluptuous nurse told the other nurse, “I must have gone to the wrong room. The man I saw was a poker player, also, but his tattoo said “ROYAL FLUSH.”
A guy checks into the hospital for a vasectomy, looking forward to years of carefree sex. Unfortunately, the medical student assigned to perform the procedure castrated him instead, distracted by thoughts of the meeting he has set up with the assisting nurse for later that afternoon.
When the guy comes to, he is confronted by a troop of doctors assembled to break the terrible news.
“Oh, nooooo!,” he wails, in a voice rather higher than before. “I will never experience another erection!”
“Nonsense,” says the chief surgeon. “You will experience many, many more erections. They just won’t be yours!”
Another reader story…
With four children, my darling wife and I decided it was time to have “the snip” so we wouldn’t have any more offspring. I live near an ambulance station. I rang the doctors and heard WA WA WA WA “surgery” because an ambulance with siren on full blast raced up the hill past my house, just as the receptionist answered the telephone.
“Can I ask for some advice?” I said.
“Of course” came the reply.
“I want to have a vasectomy. Do I arrange it through you or do I have to go to the family planning clinic?”.
“We can be at your house to do it in 15 minutes. We have some very sharp wire cutters that will do the job.”
“WIRE CUTTERS! YOU ARE JOKING!”
“No sir, you’ve dialed the wrong number. This is a television repair shop called TV Surgery. But we’re willing to have a go if you’re up for it…”
While doing a vasectomy, the doctor slipped and cut off one of the man’s balls. To avoid a huge malpractice suit, he decided to replace the missing ball with an onion.
Several weeks later, the patient returned for a checkup. “How’s your sex life?” the doctor asked. “Pretty good, but I’ve had some strange side effects.”
“Like what?” the doctor asked anxiously.
“Well, every time I piss my eyes water. When my wife gives me a blow job she gets heartburn. And every time I pass a hotdog stand, I get a hard-on.”
The Third One
Some newly married friends were visiting us when the topic of children came up. The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband said two would be enough for him.
They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he’d put an end to things by saying boldly, “After our second child, I’ll just have a vasectomy.”
Without a moment’s hesitation, the bride retorted, “Well, I hope you’ll love the third one as if it’s your own.”
What do you call a Mexican with a vasectomy?
A dry Martinez.
What is the difference between a prostate and a garden hose?
There’s a vas deference.
The Sixth Floor
I walked to the front desk at the hospital to register, and hand a card they gave me to the nurse. The nurse asks me, “are you here to have them crushed”? A bead of sweat runs down the side of my head and I say “pardon me “? Then she says, “Yes, your going to the sixth floor where we crush kidney stones” I laugh and say, ” I hope they don’t crush anything, I’m here for a vasectomy”
Stuff like this always happens to me, I guess I’m humor prone.
Vasectomy Tie Pie
From The Ottawa Citizen
OTTAWA – An Ottawa man has come up with a way for men to mark having undergone a vasectomy — a tie tack designed to look like a sperm thwarted in its voyage.
When Bernie Forestell had a vasectomy last October it occurred to him that the increasing number of Canadian men undergoing the procedure had no way of marking what he calls “the ultimate sacrifice.” [Ed. note: Actually, I recall reading about a V-shaped pin being pushed in Britain about 20 years ago. Didn’t seem to catch on. Wonder how many guys got the pin without going under the knife first…?]
Mr. Forestell came up with “The Original V Clip,” a tie tack in 14-karat gold, with a .015 carat diamond. He believes there is a huge market for the $69.95 pin: The Ottawa doctor who did his vasectomy told him he performs 1,200 a year. [Ed. note: 5 a day?! Fuck, talk about ‘Once you’ve seen one….’]