Michael’s story: My vasectomy experience

My wife and I have a four-year-old son and were expecting a daughter in March. Knowing that we would have a completed family, I decided that I would volunteer for the big snip. I think my wife was and is more afraid than I am. She kept asking me, “Are you sure?”. My primary fears were the norm: erection during the procedure and really cute nurses – not the pain or procedure. I scheduled an appointment with one doctor in the area primarily because he does the no-scalpel vasectomy. I really didn’t have a good feeling about the doctor because of the way his receptionist answered the phone – it all seemed very unprofessional. Plus my wife works in a hospital and some co-workers told her that he was more than a little strange and that they wouldn’t go to him. So, I consulted a friend who had a great vasectomy experience and I made a consultation appointment with his doctor.

The consultation

I was as sweaty and nervous as a hog on a cold winter day. My wife had to go to the appointment with me so she could give her consent. So there we were. I sat down in the waiting room and the belt holder for my phone caught on the arm of the chair-sending pieces flying everywhere. Great start! I remarked to my wife that I found it ironic the doctor’s office had nothing but Better Homes and Gardens and Woman’s day magazines and wondered what that said about the procedure to come. By this time, my kidneys were working overtime like a pair of Holley Double pumpers and I had to go. I went to the restroom and tried to calm down. Shortly after re-joining my wife in the waiting room, the door opened and that dreaded word was uttered: MICHAEL. I rounded the corner and saw the nurse: was it take your middle schooler to work day or what? She asked me to leave a urine sample for them”. uh, that is going to be a problem, I just went”. I told her not to worry, with my nerves in high-gear, I would be able to extinguish a five-alarm high-rise fire in about five. She took me back to the room and left the door open-which was across the room from the nurses’ station (all young little hotties of course). They all kept looking at me and I sensed a conversation about my manhood afoot (pun fully intended). The nurse came back with this cup of clear liquid. While she was writing some notes, I looked at it, swirled it around in the cup, smelled it, and nervously asked “Am I supposed to drink this?”. Believe me, that is one of those mistakes you DON’T want to make at the Urologist’s office. She laughed and said yes that is was just water to help me with the urine sample. Whew!

The doctor finally came in. He looked and acted very much like Robert Deniro and we discussed the normal stuff: permanent, small chance of PVP, and told me about the procedure. He said my wife couldn’t be in there during the procedure primarily because the room is small and they don’t want her passing out from the shock of seeing my manhood operated on. I informed him that after 11 years of marriage and two kids-one of which was still on the way – the real issue would be my wife distracting him during the procedure by yelling SLICE SLICE SLICE and doing the Tomahawk chop. He performed the initial exam and this was the only issue I had with him-he did it glove free! The obsessive-compulsive part of my personality passed out! I wouldn’t be able to eat with that hand ever again! He seemed to find the vas’s okay although I will never know how he did it. I was so nervous, I am still not sure how the exam couldn’t have been classified as an internal procedure! The line from the classic Seinfeld ‘shrinkage’ episode came to mind “Like a frightened turtle!”.

Next, my wife and I met with him in his office together and he explained the issues: permanent, can’t count on reversals or freezing sperm, and that they wouldn’t do it until 6 weeks after the birth of our second child just to make sure she didn’t die or something. Now, do the math – no sex for six weeks after birth, no sex for a week or so after the vas, and then the required flushing period. It was all getting much much worse! I was headed to condomville! The doctor explained that we would test two samples after 12 ejaculations to make sure I was in the clear. I asked him if he had any children going into the Urology field and told him he might need to refer me to them for my post-vas checks! My wife nervously chuckled but about three weeks after the appointment she suddenly hit me in the arm… hard! – she finally got the joke (God, I love her). I asked him who would be present in the room during the procedure, hoping beyond hope he would not say “me and a nurse”. The nurse is my major concern as I am extremely modest and of course he said “me and a nurse”. I jokingly asked “an old nurse?”. He said that he had approximately 6 nurses and if I preferred, he would line them up and let me have my pick! I liked him already. The only thing I wish I could change is that they use an IV drip with Versed in it as opposed to prescribing a Valium. I may call and see if I could get him to give me the valium instead.

Anyway, I have my appointment with the hatchetman on May 1. I will update you more after that. I don’t anticipate any problems with the procedure itself. I just don’t want some hot young thing prying around down there and then discussing it with her friends from the nurses’ station about it during recess!

The day of the procedure

I worked half a day because I knew if I didn’t I would be a basket case by the time 3:00 rolled around. On the way home, I picked up several movies and some frozen peas.

About an hour before the procedure, I took the Valium (5mg) that I was prescribed. By this time, I was pretty much in panic mode and my heart was about to beat out of my chest. After a while, my heart did calm down a little but I was still way too nervous. Turns out the doctor said at my size I could have used two (I am 6’3″ 280).

I was called back and told to undress from the waist down. As mentioned, my greatest fear was the nurse. The doctor came in (no nurse) sprayed me with Betadine and got all the drapes ready and then called the nurse in. Very nice. He started with the right side and numbed it. A very very slight sting from the needle and the injection kind of had an uncomfortable pressure that sort of makes you say “ooooh”. Lasted for less than 3 seconds. During the remainder of the right side, I felt a tiny sharp pain only once and he numbed me some more. He said “done with the right” and I was amazed – maybe 5 or 6 minutes. He did the left the same way. I felt a little stronger pressure when he clamped the vas (not fully numbed) and he fixed that. From the office door to the office door, it was 21 minutes and that included waiting on the doctor.

Recovery

Having read all the horror stories of guys doing too much too early that seemingly led to many of the PVP nightmares, I was prepared to veg. I had the TV and VCR upstairs in the bedroom with the AC and the ceiling fan on.

On the day of, I fell asleep – stress and valium effect. I kept regular Tylenol on board just in case the antithetic wore off and pain came. It didn’t. I took Tylenol with Codeine at night just in case I rolled over and squashed a testicle or something.

The next day, I stayed flat except to go to the bathroom. I kept the boys iced pretty much straight for 3 days – it just felt better. I watched movies and vegged out. Kept the Tylenol regimen going just in case but I really felt nothing.

By the third day, I was desperate for a shower. The Betadine does NOT come off in the office very well and I felt gross. I was up and around a little more today. No pain but taking it very gingerly. In the afternoon, I reached the 48-hour mark and took a shower. Couldn’t resist the urge to make sure everything worked and it did.

Fourth day – big mistake. I felt so good and hadn’t had a single pain (no I am not kidding) and only had minor bruising on the base of the penis and on the right side of the testicle. I decided I wanted to take the boys on a real test drive. Got too much shakin’ bakin’ going on and had some pretty good pain afterward. In fact, it hurt for the next two days. My friend, who just had one said the pain didn’t come until the 3rd/4th day with his so maybe this was normal? The pain was very very minor, I was just freaked out that I really hurt something.

It has been two weeks today and I am a new man. The only sign I had it is a robin egg-sized swelling at the incision site that hurts if squeezed or pinched. No twinges, no pain, no swelling, no nothing. I am proud I did it and the experience was so awesome, I might just fake the results and go through it again just to get the time off from work, family duties, and household chores for four days.

In the meantime, I faked a website on vasectomies that stated if the vasectomized male is not serviced once or more a day for the first year, the vasectomy will reverse itself. I might just tell her after a few months! He he he!

All in all, this was the easiest no brainer in the world. Add up all the pain I had (self-inflicted) over the course – including the procedure – and it didn’t even come close to having a tooth filled. It is really nothing.

I do have a theory though. I had the conventional closed-end scalpel version but really preferred the NSV. I ultimately chose the known doctor over the known and preferred procedure. The doctor I originally chose for the NSV was a quack it turned out. My theory is that my lack of pain – besides being a manly man is due to the larger incision site. I think the larger incision site requires less tugging on the vas to get them into position. I think that is why the preliminary exam left me with some shooting pains in my stomach for a day or two afterward but the procedure itself left me without a twinge. He had to pull a lot during the initial exam. Anyway, that is my theory.

Advice

1. Buy crushed ice instead of peas. Put it in double zip locks. The peas are great and conform to the shape well but they also thaw and leak.
2. Get a Curad Tefla bandage for the incision site. It is gauze that is coated with some slippery plastic. It won’t stick, will keep the site cleaner, and most importantly prevents the stitches from catching on the jock/underwear. Wear it until the stitches are gone.
3. Get two or more jocks. My wife was busy with kids so I had to wash them to have a fresh one to wear. Wear one to the appointment so you don’t have to carry your underwear out in your hand.

Submitted by Michael