Dave’s experience: Beware of men with beards!

In 1981 as soon as our family was complete as far as we were concerned, I decided that the big snip was the answer! My wife considered going back on the pill but it was at a time when there were plenty of scare stories going around about cancer of the whatnot and growths on the wotsits so I thought I would do the honorable thing and get myself seen to. The reaction amongst male friends was very mixed. Some said things like “you’ll end up fat and sleeping all day in front of the fire like a dog”. Some rushed screaming from the room at the very thought of someone tinkering with their nads. Others, expressed support while secretly thinking I had taken leave of my senses.

My mind however was made up. Anyone I talked to in the medical profession, said it was a simple, relatively painless procedure that I would recover from quickly, so I set a date when I would go to our local hospital. In the meantime, I was now amazed to find how many guys I met in the Pub and so on, that had had it done. Every one of them told me how it was a breeze, a piece of cake, a walk in the park, etc. Each one regaled me with his own macho experience of having the snip in the morning and then breaking rocks in the hot sun in the afternoon. Take my tip… these guys are lying!!

Day of the vasectomy

The day arrived and I was reassured by the nursing staff that it would be fine. The staff nurse said a male nurse was not available to shave me, I said no problem but she said the women preferred not to do it because it often led to embarrassing situations in the trouser department. The surgeon was to do it prior to me going into the theatre. This sounded OK until the surgeon appeared wielding a cut-throat razor and sporting a beard worthy of a Pirate Captain. When was the last time you used a razor? I enquired. ” I can’t remember” he replied. I had a bad feeling about this.

When I reached the theatre my scrotal sac was the size of a grape such was my terror! Then it was time for the injection… You know when they’re about to give a local anaesthetic and they say “just a little prick” believe me that day it surely was. None of this is meant to put anyone off… just to scare you a little.

So there I was flat on my back on the operating table with needles being stuck in my ever-shrinking sac (Now almost completely disappeared) It’s a wonder the needle didn’t go right through!

“We’ll just wait a few minutes for the anaesthetic to work” a voice said.

“O.K.” I squeaked while secretly hoping there would be a fire drill or a power cut, anything that would allow me to get out of there without losing face, or my nuts.

“I’m just going to make a small incision,” said Black Jake the Pirate Surgeon. I didn’t feel a thing… everything was going to be fine, I thought.

“I’m just tying off the left testicle now,” he said and I began to relax… too soon I fear. When he started on the other side I felt it! When he started to do the business inside I thought someone had thrust their arm up to my arse and was trying to remove my organs one by one! “Does that hurt?” said a blue-eyed beauty of a nurse at my end of the proceedings. “just a lot” I squealed. “More anesthetic,” said Black Jack with a distinctly sadistic gleam in his eye. By now I was convinced that half my insides were in a bucket at the bottom of the table, but no, there was more grabbing and wrenching still to come. The sweat from my brow was by now forming quite a large puddle on the floor. “Nearly finished,” said Jake. ” I know I am” I murmured. Well, half an hour later and it was all like a dream, I had survived.

After the operation

An hour later and I had managed to drive myself home. Unfortunately by the time I got there, the anesthetic was wearing off and I had to sound the horn outside the house for several minutes before my wife and a neighbor carried me into the house.

Not wanting to appear too much of a wimp at home and eager to brag of my bravery I went to the Pub that evening. Funny how all the guys who had previously told me it was plain sailing now told me their own tales of pain and terror. One man, a lorry driver, told me how he had gone straight back to work the next day since he figured that he couldn’t really hurt himself while sitting in his cab. This was true because when he reached his first stop after three hours he forgot completely about his op and jumped briskly down from the cab. When his feet hit the ground his balls carried on till they did too. He ended up in the hospital for two days.

As the days progressed, things started to settle down. The one thing I have never understood is that when he sewed me back up again he didn’t allow for expansion. When I was stitched up I was like a dried prune but obviously, when taking the advisory salty baths everything returns to normal. Needless to say, my stitches were out double-quick. I watched with interest as the bruising developed and changed color. Watch out for the interesting rotten banana phase!

After a week I decided it was time for a test drive! Slightly uncomfortable but what a relief! And now? Well apart from a slight thickening of the tubes on one side, everything is just fine and dandy.

If you considering it here’s a few tips:

1. Ask for the theatre to be really hot so you won’t shrink
2. Wear tight pants
3. Shave before you go
4. Ask for a large specimen jar for your checks afterward (It’s a hell of a job trying to jerk off into one of those tiny little ones)
5. Beware of men in beards

Don’t hesitate, look after your woman’s health and be a man. I’m off for a sleep in front of the fire.

Submitted by Dave