Richard’s experience: Think twice

This is my sad tale of woe. However, the most sympathy I’ve ever received is, “Sucks to be you!”

For many years growing up, I never gave much thought to the idea of parenthood. Even when discussing it with friends at an early age (e.g. 12, 13, 14) most of them said they wanted two or three kids or just simply said, “I guess I’d want them.” I, on the other hand, would simply stare at them blankly and move on to the next topic never dwelling on the thought. When I was old enough to give parenthood serious thought (i.e. 17 – 18) I really didn’t want it.

It should be noted that I had been suffering from some serious self-esteem issues during my teens and 20’s that arose from a hormone imbalance (hypothyroidism) and an unsympathetic step-father. I generally had a very poor self-image.

During my early 20’s I looked into the idea of self-sterilization and what was involved, however, I was not in a rush. By the age of 23, I gave it some serious thought. I think I was motivated by my mother giving lectures on growing up and adult responsibilities. At that time, after speaking to a few friends about the idea, I said to myself that I would wait until I was 25. By then I should be mature enough to have a good idea of whether I wanted children.

Well, my 25th birthday came and went and I had still done nothing about it. Looking back there was something in my sub-conscience holding me back. The idea didn’t resurface until I was 27. I was reading a book about building your self-esteem. One of the main points of the book was being honest with yourself and there were a few short stories illustrating what happens when you are not. There was one particular story that got to me and it was of a mother who’s husband and children left her one day. She was unresponsive some days then cold-hearted the next to her family to the point where they couldn’t take it any longer. Upon some soul searching, she finally realized that she never really wanted children. This struck a chord with me. I should have myself sterilized before I made the same mistake.

With that story in mind and the words of Dr. Laura Schlesinger (talking about how irresponsible parents are today), I made the decision to have myself sterilized. I made an appointment to see my GP the next day. I asked for a referral for a vasectomy. He asked if I had discussed this with anyone and I went blank. He gave me a referral anyway but said I should discuss matters over with the surgeon. I think a tear ran down my face as I left the GP’s office.

I made the appointment to see the general surgeon. When I walked in I just saw the secretary and asked me if I wanted a general or local anesthetic and if she could the surgery. If I went with the local anesthetic I wouldn’t have to speak with the doctor. I went with the local option. The surgery was scheduled for 4 months later because the doctor went on vacation. During that time I held firm (in my own mind) that I was doing the right thing. No one but my doctor knew I was going through with this.

Four months later (two weeks shy of my 28th birthday) I showed up for my surgery. I registered, had myself shaved, and waited for the doctor in the operating room. When he came in he asked me if I had a wife and how many children I had. I said I had neither and I didn’t want to be a parent. He paused and mumbled something to the effect that I was nuts. During the procedure, he paused after he did the right side and asked me if I wanted to go through with this. I told him to go ahead and he did the left side. After he was finished he said that he had performed the procedure 3000 times but I had to be the first and stormed out of the room.

This part of my story doesn’t deal with vasectomies directly but is important. About a year later I had finished up university and I stayed living in the same city for a few months after to pay off some debt and planned to leave to look for work. A woman who worked at the same convenience store I worked at came back from maternity leave (and a failed relationship). To make a long story short we got very close over the course of four months. We knew each other as friends but didn’t “discover” each other until she came back. The feelings were very strong between us. Then came the day I planned to leave the city and she asked me to stay. I left. I was afraid of parenthood and I felt that I had to go on with my life. Making the decision to say no to her was one of the toughest decisions of my life.

Two years passed. I don’t think there was a day I didn’t regret my decision during that time but I kept trying to convince myself I made the right decision. Then I heard the news she got married. I had an epiphany where I realized what I had lost and what I truly wanted out of life (i.e. a wife, family, etc.). She is now pregnant and is expecting her second child in July. I haven’t quite been the same since.

I didn’t want to go too deeply into the details about my heartbreak but it seemed necessary for the sake of the story. All of this is my doing. I have no one else to blame. I plan on having a reversal performed on me as soon as I am able to afford it. You may think that a vasectomy is a right thing to do and for some it probably is but please think twice before going through with it.

Submitted by Richard